Elevator Ride Up

Blog fingers are blogging. Anyways, after my experience with the mafia earlier today, I got some Peruvian food delivered, tasty. I decided to go grab some ice and Coca Cola Zero for some mixers, drown my brain in alcohol, watch some Trump rally action and go to the bed like any normal, obese 36 year old.

The condo building I am staying requires that security buzz you in and then you go to the elevator and then mosey up on you way to the condo. Anyways, I get buzzed in, hot as fuck broad talking to the security guard, she then walks to the elevator and presses 14 and asks me where I am going. TRECE POR FAVOR! I’m too nervous to even make any chatter and she asks what I am doing and her “cousin” is supposedly staying in the condo above mine. Somehow on the elevator ride from floor 7 to 13, this slut ends up in my condo.

I unlock the door and we walk and in and she exclaims “te amas la fiesta?!”. Yes of course I do. Didn’t you read the last blog dumb fuck? She pulls a baggy out of her bra and we go to town on it! Anyways, we shoot the shit, she tells me how she is stying with her cousin in the condo above mine and her daughter is back in Medellin. Very friendly. We go and lay in the bed and are watching the Trump rally and she tells me explicitly that she isn’t a whore. Solid, maybe we will date, I’ll feed you and your kid and grab you a visa to the states. I feel like I am Sadddddage on a date. Start grabbing her tits and shit. Grabby Hands Franklin at it.

After stating she was NOT a working lady, she asked me for one hundred fifty thousand Colombian pesos to suck my dick. I oblige of course because my dick is as hard a steel rod and I wanna go to town. After she starts digging her teeth into my wiener I ask her to just get it over with and sit on top of my lap. Next disaster is upon us and she is on her period and its gonna be another 100k pesos. Whatever at this point. Showers, throws down the towel, mounts the monument and she says she feels dirty.


Under Pressure

Yeah, I have worked under pressure quite often, had a CFO of a Fortune 300 company tell me I didn’t type fast enough, I have had a cardiac surgeon throw a x-ray jacket at me because it wasn’t quick enough, went to jail and was told to disrobe in-front of many males and bend over and cough (hoping not to shit myself).

All of my life experiences have told me one thing in common: Frankie, you CANNOT fucking fail. Man up, face it, and lets fucking go. So today, we went. So we went…we went on an all night nose beer bender that lead into me turning my 11am alarm off twice with a client. Who cares, fuck it, I was only 9 minutes late. Better than most bitches.

So, went and grabbed lunch and ran in my boy that runs the ‘corner’. Take that as you may. Was on my way to the next bodega to grab some cervezas and chips so I could go chill at the pool and get some Vitamen D but abrudtly I was told to stop by some c o l o m b I a n police. I stop, abided, being a god damn gentleman. They asked me to come with them; so I did. ‘Show me your ID’, ‘Here you go sir’, next command: ‘EMPTY YOUR POCKETS’. FUCK…no way to win here. LETS FUCKING GO CARLITOS…’Here, I have a G’, ‘Sir, that’s gonna be a big problem’, next polizo takes out the cuffs and then I look him straight in his god given eyes and tell him ‘What? There’s no way I am going to jail today’. Homey puts the cuffs back in the holster and then I ask the ring leader ‘How much you want? $500’. He responded ‘Its going to be a costly mistake, but that sounds good. When you go the bank, please be careful and inconspicuous’.

There I go, a free man if I fucking pay these guys. I am walking, sweating hoping my debit card gives me life and I don’t have to call Friends and Family to get me out of this mess. In the end, its my mess, Litos gets Litos out his own messes. Go the ATM and I have withdrawn the maximum 3 times working on the 4 and 5 to appease the high crimes. Welp, they don’t go through. I tried twice. What the fuck can I do now? One thing, go back and tell them to take it or leave it.

As I am walking back to the mobile command center, the two shady agents were on a motorcycle and went and stopped on a alley. I went over there, threw the one million, two hundred thousand pesos in the back of their bike, they fake looked at my ID, told me they didn’t need the other eight hundred thousand pesos and speed off. I am sitting there, relieved and then, FUCK MY FUCKING PHONE. I start screaming as loud as I can. They stopped and come bring my phone back 🙂

Cheers mother fuckers. Enjoy life. Embrace the problems and resolve them.


the Maduro diet meets Escobar

While I was laying in bed after finishing having intercourse with a lovely lady from the once prosperous country of Venezuela, I had an epiphany: I am fat, severely fat at that. I am laying there on my back, with a dick that can barely get hard, slightly out of breath (not sure it that’s from the altitude or fatness or both) staring at this broad who just has a tight ass body.

Well, extreme times, call for extreme measures. Therefore, from now until the distant future I am going on the Maduro diet as its called in Vzla. Average person has lost 25 pounds in a year. All you have to do is not eat or eat as little as you can…like just once a day if that. While I wont be dumpster diving, I am going to amp the Maduro by tenfold and take this to a completely new level. Mr. Maduro (if you wanna call this fuck-stick a Mister….) meet Mr. Escobar. This new diet is guaranteed for an all out success.

Back, Back Again

Where do I even begin? There are so many ways I could go about this long awaited blog: “How long does it take for me to get through customers, check in at the apt, shower, go to La Piscina, grab a girl and some party”, “The Art of Kicking out a Hooker” or whatever but today I just want to say thank-you and I am fucking back bitches!!!

Its been way too long, been way to busy and I look forwared to getting back in the blogger chair. My fingers are rested the fuck up and I am ready to lead you guys back into the deplorable lifestyle.

anything past 1 is a problem

well, well, well franklin…you did a beauty last night. was feeling myself after completing a long, ruff day at the office so I went and had a few beverages at the local tienda/sitting place. while there, I thought I noticed a working lady so I chatted with her, turned out, either she wasn’t working or wasn’t interested. I said fuck it im out.

Just out of that place, so I head for the clock tower where all the action happens in Cartagena. find a place to take a piss-a-roo and then on my way out I find a group of tres chicas…start yappering it up with them and then boom, we are off to the apartment. Well not boom, some asshole wanted me to pay him 200.000 pesos for which I told him to go fuck himself more than once which nearly ended my life but oh well. We get back to the apartment and obviously, all three of the ladies wanted to get paid but now I can’t find any of my pesos (silly me) so that turned into another confrontation. They ended up taking 5 usd and leaving.

Buenas dias amigos…